Yesterday my ex was at home! When she called me on Saturday the perspective to see her almost freaked me out.
Since we ended our relationship (both guided by the logic of three things (children, life styles and where to live in the future) it has been difficult to cop with keeping a relationship at all. Because she was suffering more than me she moved to another city some months ago...apart from the convenience of it for her new job.
But we were in a sort of calm mood and despite some moments of sadness, everything was flowing...I gave her some gifts that I bought for her during the January sales and she showed me the pictures of her last trip.
I confessed myself to her as vague, insecure and maybe a bit immature...but as much as she was. We were trapped in the happiness and excitement of living together and we easily fell in a childish attitude towards each other. In that way many problems were left unresolved. We lost the respect for each other in some degree. Our own demons, fears and ghosts from the past were gathering slowly while we just stood in front of them.
And breaking up hasn't removed all that crap that naturally inhabits my soul. I know that it has been years and years of learning (lifelong learning?) and reading some things I realize how difficult are to get rid of.
For example, reading at the entry of intelligentsia "Men are stooges" made me wondered how many times I have been passive-agressive. I know how easy is to develop anger and not express it, either with violence or talking about it. But I am learning, want to believe. Want to think that which doesn't kill me makes me stronger.
I love her and I like her...but that is not enough. And this can serve as an entry for last week's theme...love is not enough in a real world. Let me rephrase it. I need to live in a real world in order to have love. (Have you heard this: "Happiness is not to have what you want but to want what you have") I need to be happy with myself in order to love someone.
And I remember my last entry. Maybe because I am Saggitarius, maybe because of me, I am always at the seek of new experiences.
"Virgo and Sagittarius are like the grasshopper and the ant. Sagittarius's free spirit has nothing in common with hardworking Virgo. Sagittarius has a reckless gambler's spirit, while Virgo carefully builds for future security. Both are intellectual signs but the way their minds work clashes with each other. Sagittarius is expansive and extravagant, while Virgo prefers a simple, ordered, and unpretentious life. Sagittarius considers Virgo's sexual attitudes rather prudish, and won't stay long in one bedroom anyway."
But I don't want to fall in the sad sittuation stated on: "You are alone, you long for a partner. You have the partner. Then you want a lover. You got the lover! You start to thing in the Ferrari." (I wonder what "Ferrari" a woman would want.)
My human will is impelled by dreams, my soul learns to be happy. In this way my heart learns to love. My wisdom has to learn how to decide the best dreams, the best happiness, the best love.
That's why I started this diary, that's how I found this site...but that's another entry.
The things at the margin.
And I have been stubborn for a couple of hours.
Ha! This reminds me of something...
President Kennedy made sense of it in 1962. Addressing a crowd at Rice University, he exclaimed, "We choose to go to the Moon! We choose to go to the Moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and our skills ... we do not know what benefits await us ... [but] space is there and we are going to climb it."
But everything has a limit...and there are better moons waiting for me. (Could that apply to other issues?)