That Easter I heard mass in York cathedral and, asking for answers, my heart said “wait, Wait!...you will find”.
That hot summer I met her dancing salsa and everything clicked so well that soon we found ourselves living together.
After one year we separated. Why things went wrong?
I was not prepared to live with her. How many times I have said to myself that love is not to be worried about the other half but to learn to discover who is really the other one? And so, I forgot to leave some fears outside the house. And forgot to leave some obsessions.
I was used to girls who play hard to get. Those says about “the hunter” and “the challenge” worked on me. I was used to work hard to get what I wanted. But, I might be overambitious. And I cannot control my tastes.
I could educate my tastes and discover that a good natural match with someone is as good as “hunting your pray”. For good and for bad. My problem with trying hard and succeeding was the addiction to competition. Hunting only taught me to “enjoy” catching the pray, not how to cook it, eat it and taste it. On the other hand a good match eventually suffered of a lack of excitement.
I wanted to marry her, we wanted to have children (but at different times) I was faithful. When did things go wrong? We planed things too fast. And when I had the feeling that I was giving her my life I didn’t tell her the prize I was charging her for that. I reckon I didn’t know it myself. Which didn’t stop me growing expectations about us:
· “If you want to do this or that you are perfectly free to do it but…(and my fears-concerns were honest) what would we teach to our kids? Your way or my way?” (1) We have to agree with some simple things.
· “What if I don’t feel like turn on today? And what if spanking you doesn’t turn me on when having sex?” We have to enjoy sex in similar ways.
· “We have dinner with your friends on Saturday. I want all Sunday to be with my friends or alone” She has to make concessions if I am pleasing her.
I cannot avoid thinking I was right having expectations. And I presume that how to manage them was our problem. My recollection is that both of us were too stress trying to fit each other in the “perfect relationship” that solves every problem without major fuss. We did all the opposite, making every little thing a big fuss.
(1) Now my sister has given me a lesson speaking up for herself saying: “I always wanted to be like you…but today I am realizing I want to be myself!!!” And she and I can be very different, despite the same parents. So, then why am I so worried about education when personality has also its share in life?